7 Hilarious Reasons Why Children Should Not Be Invited to Weddings

As a wedding celebrant in Scotland, I’ve seen my fair share of weddings—some elegant, some chaotic, and some where a rogue toddler stole the show (and the cake). While weddings are a joyous occasion, I firmly believe that children should only attend if you enjoy mild anarchy.

If you’re on the fence, here are seven very serious (and completely exaggerated) reasons why your wedding might be better off as a kid-free zone.

1. The Ceremony Will Become a Toddler Talent Show

You spent months planning the perfect ceremony, choosing heartfelt vows and meaningful readings. But none of that matters when a two-year-old in the front row decides now is the time to sing their own rendition of “Baby Shark” at full volume.

2. Wedding Cake and Icing-Faced Bandits

Ah, the cake. A symbol of love and unity, crafted by a skilled baker. Enter a small, icing-covered child with sticky fingers who is absolutely determined to touch every tier. Good luck explaining to your guests why their slice comes with a side of toddler fingerprints.

3. Dance Floor Carnage

Picture this: the newlyweds take their first dance, the music swells, and just as the moment reaches peak romance—BAM! A child sprints across the dance floor, colliding with the couple like a tiny, sugar-fueled bowling ball.

4. The Ceremony Soundtrack: Crying and Complaints

Forget the gentle strumming of a harp or the soulful melody of a string quartet. If you invite children, your wedding soundtrack will be a delightful mix of crying, whining, and the occasional “I need a wee!” shouted at full volume.

5. Confetti Chaos (or a Confetti-Eating Disaster)

Confetti is meant to be thrown into the air, creating a beautiful moment of celebration. Unfortunately, small children see it as either a snack or something to be dumped directly on their sibling’s head. Either way, it’s going to end in tears.

6. Unscheduled Costume Changes

Dressing a child for a wedding is a gamble. Sure, they start the day looking adorable, but by the reception, they’ve either removed most of their outfit, found a way to roll in mud, or accessorized with bits of canapé they found on the floor.

7. Wedding Speeches vs. The “Why?” Interrogation

The best man is midway through a heartfelt toast when a child, sensing a captive audience, loudly asks, “Why is Uncle Dave so sweaty?” Cue laughter, a flustered best man, and a very embarrassed Uncle Dave.

Final Thoughts

Of course, if you love kids, then invite away!

Just be prepared for a little extra chaos (and possibly a cake heist). If, however, you’d prefer a wedding that runs smoothly, with vows heard in full and a dance floor free from tiny trip hazards, a child-free wedding might be the way forward. Either way, I promise—it’ll be a day to remember!

Rules to a happy Ceremony!