Did you read your horoscope today?
How often do you pay attention to it?
Do you trust the stars?
When I want a bit of guidance on a simple issue, one too trivial to bother a friend with, I often look at my horoscope. Astrology, in my limited cosmos of awareness, consists of a method which aims to supports an image of one’s personality and predict the future, based on the position of the moon, sun and other elements of the sky at the time of your birth.
I find the moon fascinating and during this lockdown have found myself gravitating towards it; talking or shouting on many occasions but I think it says more about my mental health than an affinity to the universe.
Last night, on the sofa, having a camomile tea and getting ready for the excitement of episode 1,277 of The Bridge I decided to glance at my horoscope.
“Tonight you might want to expose yourself to new things. You tend to sit at home alone, caught up in your own little world. It’s time to get out there and have some fun! Join some friends for a drink at a local restaurant or meet a romantic interest for a date. We’d suggest going out for a coffee afterwards!”
Who is writing this stuff and what planet are they on?
We are in lockdown and have been for 3 months with only a glimmer of hope for getting out and about if indeed we can get booked for a 2 hour slot with one of our friends. Sitting 2 meters apart, behind a plastic shield and kicking about with a mask to go to the ‘restroom’ – how on earth am I supposed to ‘meet a romantic interest’?
So there I was, sitting on the sofa, in a lockdown, in my bathrobe ready to watch episode one million two hundred and three thousand of Grey’s Anatomy and felt like screaming, but I carried on reading.
The love section stated,
“You can find romance where you least expect it!”
What?
Where?
Under my sofa?
“Venus is frolicking through your responsible sixth house of health bringing charming, exciting and fulfilling sexual encounters which will have your world rocking and reeling!”
Ok, now I’m raging as I’ve started to think about being rocked and ragy-dolled in a sexual adventure instead of rushing my teeth and going to bed for the one millionth night on my own.
Instead of ‘seizing the day’ I wanted to grab an astrologer by the neck and choke the bullshit out of them in my newly erupting sexual frustration.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings?
MM The Celebrant 